An even subtler source of desire comes from the deep hurts or wounds we have received over our lives. Every wound we incur verbally, physically, or circumstantially creates a desire and strategy for avoidance. These desires are the most difficult to differentiate from our truest desires because they reside in a deep place, they feel like the truest part of us, and they are triggered by so many things. A part of me is very cynical about life, scrutinizing everything and everyone, holding back my trust and engagement. I found several of the head- waters to this polluted, treacherous river in my soul.
From one of my earliest memories, my dad bought me the Rifleman’s toy replica rifle. This was one of the most prized and anticipated gifts I had ever been given as a boy. This gun allowed me to be the Rifleman, Chuck Connors, whom I idealized every week through the TV series, as he loved his family and fiercely and skill- fully fought bad guys. After several days of playing with the toy gun in my home, I took it over to a neighbor friend’s house. He asked me if he could hold it after admiring it in my hands. When I handed it over to him, he swung the gun at a tree trunk and broke it in two. My dad did nothing—neither scolding the neighborhood boy nor getting me a new one. It was taken from me forever. This may sound trivial to you, but not to me as a young boy. Something shifted in me that day, and a desire formed: to be safe from the unsafe. So part of my desire to analyze things as to their trueness, sincerity, or genuineness is not good, especially when the fruit is being untrusting and disengaged with others. But there is an aspect of this part of me that is also a part of my glory.
