Duane Beshada

Following is the most significant God moment, if you will, of several years or more. It is an email I wrote to SJ to share the encouragement I received through him during the Elder Sage Summit. I'm still working on my heart, but God is too...

SJ, I want to tell you about my ride home. I'm sure I'll have many opportunities to share in greater detail but I really simply want to get this down while it's fresh in my mind and my heart. So thanks for listening! LoL

I have been struggling to understand my wounds and my inability to move from my head to my heart most of my life. This ain't my first rodeo, as they say. I've had numerous mountain top, aha moments throughout my years which I feel like would have set gobs of people free but my heart was locked up tight. Hard as stone. When you and Wendel were sharing about wounds I knew in my heart I needed to talk to one of you guys. When you and I met briefly in the hall I was deep in thought over this and there you were! And since I don't believe in coincidence...

I really didn't have a question per se, I simply was trusting that God had a word for me. Not "God told me to tell you..."; been there, done that. No, maybe just some insight. I was thinking you have pretty good practice dealing with Reformers and we have similar tattoos, LoL. Anyway, as I said my struggle was connecting all the dots between all of my wounds, all of my giving wounds and how to bring all that to bare when I am listening to someone else unpack their life's story in front of me. See the problem? I was feeling pretty inadequate and wondering why I was even there if this was going to be just another teaser to my heart?

During Mark's last prayer session I had a vision for lack of a better word. By the way I loved Mark's efforts to share his passion and his love of God and how he and God communicate with us. A few minutes is just not enough. Moving on, it was dark although my mind's eye was open. I was watching when I saw a light coming through the darkness. I quickly recognized the light as my late wife, Elly. She was in her wedding dress and by her movements, almost dancing I could tell she was full of joy. I saw her run up to a man, embrace him, held him in her gaze for a moment and then dance off as quickly as she came. The man was me of course. She was soo beautiful even though it was like looking through old obscure glass. I thought nothing of it. (awkward silence) I was too distracted by everything else I just told you. I wrote it off as my imagination.

Elly and I were married almost 25 years when her life ended very tragically. In more ways than one. For our entire marriage she was continually encouraging and mostly pushing me into the ministry or let's say the life that she knew God had for me all along. I, on the other hand was too busy trying to be a good provider, father and husband to a crazy lady. Anyone that knew Elly for very long would agree that she had the most intimate relationship with God of anyone they knew yet at the same time had the deepest struggles in life. The tragedy was that her visions and dreams for not just myself but many other people and other things seemingly died with her. As I said, I was too busy.

Here's where you come back in buddy. We had a short chat before signing off for the evening. Neither of us were ready to get too deep at that moment but you did share how things often work themselves out over the course of the whole event. The keyword was "wait" if I recall.

As we were finishing up Sunday my heart was light. I didn't have it all figured out but with the tools you all gave me and a plan of my own to implement them I was at least not leaving under a cloud of "Your heart is so hard it can never be saved!" A win! Plus I learned a new word! Joybomb!!

Well back to the ride home. I was talking with Bob (Hartig) as I was driving and sharing with him what an awesome experience and privilege this was. We were talking about enneagrams and reminiscing when God put the vision right in front of me. In one hot second with Bob and multiple motorists as my witness as I was trying to keep my poop in my backpack and keep the car on the road through the deluge of tears it all came full circle. I understood how all of the wounds, all of the pain and shortcomings make up my glory and Elly/Jesus was there to tell me "Well done!" in a way that only a hard hearted old fool like me could understand. I had a few more moments of impaired driving before I got home to be with the wonderful woman God gave me who gets to listen to all of this in a few minutes.

I know I have some work to do. That will never end but I now have a clarity and purpose that I have never had before. Thank you! Thank you for making me feel like part of something bigger than myself. I can't wait to see what's next! I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone a little better as well.

Yep, God is good. Very good!